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Update 16 - (Appendix) HISTOIRE D’UNE AME (1902) - CHAPTER XI
7 .. Please change the print size so that it can be read without strain. Click 'view' in your browser and then 'text'. The presentation is not affected by this action. TEXT Two brother Priests. - What she understands by these words from the Book of Canticles: "Draw me..." - Her confidence in God. - Visit to Heaven - She finds rest in love. - Childhood sublimates. - Call to all "little souls" [HA193,SS250:30] It is not only when He wants to send trials to me that Jesus makes me have a presentiment and wish. For a very long time I had a desire which appeared unrealisable to me: to have a brother priest. I often thought that, if my little brothers had not died young, I would have had the happiness to see them going up to the altar; this happiness, I regretted! And now the good God has exceeded my dream, - since I wished only one brother priest, who each day thought of me at the holy altar, - by linking me spiritually with two of his apostles. I want, my beloved Mother, to tell you in detail how the divine Master filled my wishes. It was our holy Mother Teresa who sent to me as a festival bouquet, in 1895, my first brother. It was a wash-day, I was quite occupied with my work, when Mother Agnes of Jesus, then Prioress, took to me aside and read a letter from a young seminarist, who, inspired, he said, by holy Teresa, wanted a sister who would devote herself [HA194,SS251:12] especially to his salvation, and to the salvation of souls with whom he would be occupied; he promised to have always a memory for the one who would become his sister, when he could offer the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. And I was selected to become the sister of this future missionary. My Mother, I could not tell you of my happiness. My desire, thus filled in an unhoped-for way, gave birth in my heart to a joy which I will call childlike; because it is necessary for me to go back to the days of my childhood to find the memory of these joys so alive, that the soul is too little to contain them. Not, for many years, had I tasted this kind of happiness, I felt that my soul was new again, as if one had touched in it musical cords which remained up to that point forgotten. Understanding the obligations that I had imposed on myself, I set to work, trying to redouble enthusiasm, and I wrote from time to time some letters to my new brother. Undoubtedly, it is by prayer and sacrifice that one can help missionaries, but sometimes, when Jesus wishes to unite two souls for his glory, he allows them to communicate their thoughts in order to be excited to love God more. I am aware that one requires for this a proper authority; it seems to me that otherwise this requested correspondence could do more evil than good, if not with the missionary, at least with the Carmelite nun continuously carried by her inward-looking way of life. Instead of linking it with the good God, this exchange of letters - even infrequently - would occupy the mind unnecessarily with him; she would imagine herself perhaps achieving wonders, and really would not do anything on the whole but to get, under the colour of zeal, a superfluous distraction. Beloved mother, I have strayed, not [HA195,SS252:24] only in a distraction, but also in a superfluous essay... I shall never correct myself with these threads which will have tired you so with reading! Forgive me, and allow me to begin again with the next occasion. Last year (1896), at the end of May, it was in your turn to give me my second brother; and on reflection, that already having offered my poor merits for a future apostle, I believed myself unable to do it for another, you made me this answer: that obedience would double my merits. In the depth of my soul I thought very much about that, and, since the zeal of a Carmelite nun must embrace the world, I would hope myself, with the grace of God, to be useful to more than two missionaries. I pray for all, without leaving aside the simple priests, whose ministry is as difficult sometimes as that of the apostles preaching the infidels. Finally I want to be a "daughter of the Church" like our holy Mother Teresa, and to pray for all the intentions of the Vicar of Jesus-Christ. It is the general goal of my life. But as I would have linked myself especially with works of my dear little brothers, if they had lived, without thus forsaking for that the great interests of the Church which embrace the universe, therefore I remain particularly united with the new brothers that Jesus has given me. All that belongs to me belongs to each one of them, I feel that God is too good, too generous to make shares; he is so rich that he gives without measurement what I ask him, although I do not lose myself in long enumerations. Since I have two brothers and my little sisters, the novices, if I wanted to detail the needs for each soul, the days would be too short, and I would extremely fear to forget something of significance. [HA196,SS254:14] For the simple hearts one does not need complicated means, and as I am of this number, Our-Lord, himself, gave me a little very simple means of accomplishing my obligations. One day, after Holy Communion, He made me understand these words of the Canticles: "Draw me, we will run (after you) to the odour of your ointments." (Cant. I:3) O Jesus, it is not even necessary to say: By drawing me, draw the hearts which I love. This simple saying: "Draw - me" is enough! Yes, when a soul lets itself be captivated by the intoxicating odour of Your ointments, she cannot run alone, all the souls which she loves are drawn along in her following; it is a natural consequence of her attraction for You! Just as a torrent draws after itself, into the depths of the seas, that which it meets on its passage; in the same way, O my Jesus, the heart which is plunged in the ocean, without shores, of Your Love draws after herself all her treasures! Lord, you know it, my treasures, these are the souls that You were pleased to link with mine; since it is You who entrusted these treasures to me; I dare to borrow Your own words, those of the last evening which saw You still here-below, a traveller and mortal. Jesus, my Beloved! I do not know which day my exile will finish... more than one evening, perhaps, will see me singing again on earth your mercies [qv HA3:7] (Ps. 88:2); but finally, for me also will come the last evening... then I want to be able to say to You: "I have glorified you on the earth, I have finished the work that you gave me to do. I have made known your Name with those whom you have given me; they were with you, [HA197,SS255:7] and you gave them to me. It is now that they know that all which you gave me comes from you; because I communicated the words to them that you entrusted to me; they received them, and they believed that it is you who sent me. I pray for those whom you gave me, because they are with you. I am not any more in the world, but for them they are there still, I turn over to you. Keep them because of your Name. "I go now to you; and it is so that the joy which comes from you is perfect in them that I say this now that I am in the world... I do not ask you to remove them from the world, but to preserve them from evil. They are not of the world, just as me I am not of the world either. "It is not only for them that I pray, but it is also for those who will believe in you on what they will intend say. "My God, I wish that where I will be, those which you gave me are there also with me; and that the world knows that you loved them as you loved me myself." (John 17:…) Yes, Lord, here is what I would like to repeat after You before flying away in Your arms! It is perhaps of temerity; but no... For a long time, didn't You allow me to be daring with You? Like the father of the Prodigal son speaking to his elder son, You said to me: "All that is mine is yours." (Luke 15:31) Your words, O Jesus, are thus mine, and I can use them to draw (down) on the souls which belong to me the favours of the Heavenly Father. You know it, O my God, I have never wished anything [HA198,SS256:9] but to love You, I am not ambitious for other glory. Your Love has gone before me from my childhood, it has grown with me, and now it is an abyss of which I cannot probe the depth. Love attracts love, mine springs towards You, it would like to fill the abyss which attracts it; but, alas! it is not even a dewdrop lost in the Ocean! To love You as You love me, I should have to borrow Your own Love, then only would I find rest. O my Jesus, it seems to me that You cannot fill a soul with more than the love which You did fill mine, it is for that (reason) that I dare to ask You to love those which you gave me as you loved me myself. (John 17:23) One day, in heaven, if I discover that You love them more than me, I will rejoice, recognising from this world these souls merit it more; but on earth, I cannot conceive a greater immensity of love than that which You have been pleased to gratify me with, without any merit on my part. My Mother, I am very astonished by what have just written, I did not have that intention! By repeating this passage of the Holy Gospel: "I communicated the words to them that you entrusted to me" (John 17:8), I did not think of my brothers, but of my little sisters of the noviciate; because I do not believe myself capable to instructing missionaries. What I wrote for them, was the prayer of Jesus: "I do not pray to you to remove them from the world... I pray to you again for those who will believe in you on what they will intend to say to them." (John 17:15,20) How, indeed, could I forget the souls which will become their converts through suffering and preaching? [HA199,SS258:8] But I did not explain all my thought on this passage of the Sacred Canticles: "Draw me, we shall run..." "Anybody, said Jesus, cannot come after me if my Father who sent me does not draw him." (John 6:44) Then He teaches us that it is enough to knock to be made open, to seek so as to find, and to humbly hold out the hand so as to receive. (Matt. 7:8) He adds that all that one asks of His Father in His Name, He will grant it. (John 16:23) It is for that undoubtedly that the Holy Ghost, before the birth of Jesus, dictated this prophetic prayer: "Draw me, we shall run..." To ask to be attracted, is to want to link oneself in an intimate way to the object which captivates the heart. If fire and iron were endowed with reason and the latter said to the other "Draw me", would it not prove its desire to be identified with fire until sharing its substance? Well then! here is precisely my prayer. I ask Jesus to draw me into the flames of His Love, to link me so closely with Him that He lives and acts in me. I feel that, the more the fire of the love will set ablaze my heart, the more I shall say: "Draw me", the more also the souls which will approach mine will run with speed to the odour of the ointments of the Beloved one. Yes, they will run, we will run together; because souls set ablaze cannot remain inactive. Undoubtedly, like holy Magdalene, they are held at the feet of Jesus, listening to his sweet and burning word. Appearing to give nothing, they give much more than Martha who torments herself with many things. (Luke 10:41) It is not however Martha’s work, but her concern alone, which Jesus blames; this same work, His Divine [HA200,SS258:5] Mother humbly submitted herself to, since she had to prepare the meals of the Holy Family. All the saints understood this, and more particularly perhaps those who filled the world with the illumination of the evangelic doctrines. Isn't this in prayer that holy Paul, holy Augustine, holy Thomas Aquinas, holy John of the Cross, holy Teresa and so many other friends of God have drawn out this admirable science which enraptures the greatest geniuses? A scholar said: "Give me a lever, a point of support, and I will raise the world" what Archimedes could not obtain because his request had only a material goal and did not address God, the saints received fully. The Almighty has given them a point of support: Himself, Him alone! As a lever, the prayer which inflames a fire of love; and thus they raised the world, thus the militant saints still raise it and will raise it until the end of time. My dear Mother, it remains for me to say to you what I understand by the odour of the ointments of the Beloved. Since Jesus has re-ascended to heaven, I can follow Him only from the traces which He left. Ah! how these traces are luminous! how they are divinely perfumed! I have only to cast my eyes on the Holy Gospels: at once I breathe the perfume of the life of Jesus and I know on which side to run. It is not to the first place, but to the last that I spring. I let the Pharisee go up, and I repeat, filled of confidence, the humble prayer of the publican. Ah! especially, I imitate the conduct of Magdalene … her astonishing, or rather her loving audacity which charms the Heart of Jesus, allures mine! It is not because I was preserved from mortal sin [HA201,SS259:2] that I raise myself to God with confidence and love. Ah! I feel it, even though I had on my conscience all the sins that can be committed, I would not lose anything of my confidence; I would go, the heart broken with sorrow, to throw myself into the arms of my Saviour. I know that He cherishes the prodigal son, I heard his words to holy Magdalene, to the adulteress, to the Samaritan woman. No, nobody could frighten me; because I know the hold of His Love and His mercy. I know that all this multitude of offences would be lost in the twinkling of an eye, like a drop of water thrown in a burning blazing inferno. It is told in the Life of the Fathers of the desert, that one of them converted a public sinner whose disorders scandalized a whole region. This sinner touched by grace followed the saint in the desert to achieve a rigorous penitence there, when, on the first night of the journey, before reaching the place of her retreat, her mortal bonds were broken by the impetuosity of her repentance full with love; and the hermit saw at the same moment her soul carried by the Angels to the centre of God. Here is a very striking example of what I would like to say, but these things cannot be expressed... [Chapter XI of [SS] finishes here, and the text continues from Chapter IX SS188:20] Ah! my Mother, if weak and imperfect hearts like mine felt what I feel, none would despair to reach the top of the mountain of the Love, since Jesus does not ask for great actions, but only abandonment and gratitude. "I do not have need, says He, of the goats of your herds, because all the animals of the forests belong to me and the thousands of animals which feed on the hills; I know all the birds of the mountains. "If I were hungry, it is not you that I would tell; because the world and all that it contains are mine. [HA202,SS188:27] Do I have to eat the flesh of the bulls and to drink the blood of the goats? OFFER TO GOD THE SACRIFICES OF PRAISE AND THANKSGIVING." (Ps 49:9-14) Here then is all that Jesus claims of us! He does not need our works, but uniquely our love. This same God, who states to have no need to say to us if he is hungry, does not have fears to beg a little water from the Samaritan woman... He was thirsty! But while saying: "Give me to drink" (John 4:7), it was the love of His poor creature which the Creator of the universe implored. He was thirsty for love! Yes, more than ever Jesus is thirsty. He meets only the ungrateful ones and the indifferent ones among His disciples of the world; and among His own disciples, he finds, alas! very few hearts which surrender without any reserve to Him, to the tenderness of His infinite Love. Dear Mother, how happy we are to understand the intimate secrets of our Bridegroom! Ah! if you wished to write what you know, we would have beautiful pages to read. But, I know, you like better, like the holy Virgin, to preserve at the bottom of your heart all these things... (Luke 2:19) To me, you say that it is honourable to publish works of the Most High (Tob. 12:7). I find that you have reason to preserve silence; it is truly impossible to repeat with earthly words the secrets of heaven! For me, after having sketched out all these pages, I find that I have not started yet. There are so many diverse horizons, as well as an infinite variety of nuances, as only the pallet of the heavenly painter will be able, after the night of this life, [HA203,SS189:23] to provide me the divine colours, able to paint the wonders which He uncovers to the eye of my soul. However, my venerated Mother, since you express to me the desire to know thoroughly, as much as possible, all the feelings of my heart, since you wish that I put in writing the most comforting dream of my life; I will finish the history of my soul by this act of obedience, giving (it to) Him, if you allow it, in the form of a prayer, which will be easier for me to express myself. Below is Sister Therese’s letter to Sister Marie of the Sacred Heart (Therese’s elder sister Marie), dated: September 8, 1896 – as edited by Mother Agnes of Jesus – which is part of Chapter XI. The letter was written on 14th and 15th September, but back dated to coincide with the anniversary of Sister Therese’s Profession O Jesus, who would be able to say with what a tenderness, what a sweetness You lead my little soul! The storm was raging very loud in her since the beautiful festival of Your triumph, the radiant Easter; when one of the days of May, You made shine in my dark night a pure ray of Your grace... Thinking of the mysterious dreams that You grant to Your privileged people sometimes, I thought that this consolation was not made for me; how for me, it was night, always the profound night! And under the storm, I slept. The following day, 10 May, with the first gleams of the dawn, I was, during my sleep, in a gallery where I walked alone with our Mother. Suddenly, without knowing how they had entered, I saw three Carmelite nuns dressed in their mantles and large veils, and I understood that they came from Heaven. "Ah! how I would be happy, thought I, to see the face of one of these Carmelites!” As if my prayer had been heard, the tallest of the saints advanced towards me and I fell to my knees. O happiness! she raised her veil, or rather raised it and covered me. Without any hesitation, I recognized the Venerable Mother [HA204,SS191:1] Anne of Jesus, foundress of Carmel in France. The Worthy Mother Anne of Jesus, in the world Anne de Lobera, was born in Spain in 1545. She entered the Order of Carmel, with the first monastery of Saint-Joseph d' Avila in 1570, and became soon the counsellor and the companion of holy Teresa who named her “her daughter and her crown" Saint John of the Cross, her spiritual director during fourteen years, liked to call her “an incarnate seraph “ and one had such a regard of her wisdom and her holiness, that scholars consulted her in their doubts, and received her answers as from oracles. Faithful heiress of the spirit of holy Teresa, she had received from heaven the mission of preserving the reform of Carmel, her primitive perfection. After having founded three monasteries of this reform in Spain, she established it in France, then in Belgium, where, already celebrated by the most elevated supernatural gifts, particularly that of contemplation, she died in the odour of holiness at the Convent of the Carmelite nuns of Brussels, March 4, 1621. May 3, 1878, His Holiness the Pope Leo XIII signed the introduction of the cause of beatification of this true servant of God. Her face was beautiful, of an immaterial beauty; no ray escaped from it, and however, in spite of the thick veil which wrapped us both, I saw this heavenly face illumined by an ineffably soft light which it seemed to produce from itself. The holy one heaped caresses on me, and seeing myself so tenderly liked, I dared to pronounce these words: "O my Mother, I beg you, tell me if the good God will leave me a long time on earth? Will he come soon to seek me?" She smiled with tenderness. - "Yes, soon... soon... I promise you "…." My Mother, I added, tell me still, if the good God does not ask of me another thing, but only for my poor little actions and my desires; is he content with me?” At this moment, the face of the Venerable Mother resplendent in a new light, and her expression appearing to me incomparably more tender. - "The good God does not ask any other thing from you, she told me, he is content, very content!... " And taking my head in her hands, she [HA205,SS191:23] lavished such caresses on me, that it would be impossible for me to return their sweetness. My heart was joyful, but I remembered my sisters, and I desired to ask for some graces for them... Alas! I woke up! I could not repeat the liveliness of my heart. Several months were passed since this ineffable dream, and however the memory that it leaves me has not lost anything of its freshness, of its heavenly charms. I still see the glance and the smile full with love of this holy Carmelite nun, I believe to still sense the caresses with which she filled me. O Jesus, You had commanded the winds and the storm, and it had been made calm.(Matt.8:26) With my awaking, I believed, I felt that there is a heaven, and that this heaven is populated with souls who cherish me and look on me as their child. This impression remains in my heart, all the more sweet because hitherto I had been absolutely indifferent to the Venerable Mother Anne of Jesus; I had never called upon her and thought of her came me to mind only while intending to pray about her, a rather rare thing. And now, I know, I understand how much on her side I was not very indifferent for her, and this thought increases my love, not only for her, but for all the happy inhabitants of the heavenly fatherland. O my Beloved! this grace was only the prelude of the larger graces with which You want still to fill me; let me point them out today to You, and forgive me if I am unreasonable in wanting to repeat my hopes and my desires which touch the infinite ... forgive me and cure my soul by giving her what she hopes for! [HA206,SS192:14] To be your Bride, O Jesus! to be a Carmelite nun, to be, by my union with you, the mother of souls, all that should be enough for me. However I feel in me other vocations I feel the vocation of warrior, priest, apostle, doctor, martyr... I would like to achieve all the most heroic works, I feel the courage of a cross, I would like to die on a battle field for the defence of the Church. The vocation of priest! With what a love, O Jesus, I would carry You in my hands when my voice would make You descend from heaven! With what a love I would give You to souls! But alas! while wishing to be a priest, I admire and I envy the humility of Saint Francis of Assisi, and I feel the vocation to imitate him while refusing the sublime dignity of priesthood. How then to combine these contrasts? I would like to enlighten souls like the prophets, the doctors. I would like to traverse the earth, to preach Your Name and to plant on infidel soil Your glorious Cross, O my Beloved! But one mission only would not be enough for me: I would like at the same time to announce the Gospel in all the parts of the world, and in the most remote islands. I would like to be a missionary, not only during a few years; but I would like to have been one since the creation of the world, and to continue to be one until the consumption of the world. Ah! above all, I would like martyrdom. Martyrdom! here is the dream of my youth; this dream grew with me in my little cell of Carmel. But it is another madness there; because I do not wish only one kind of torment, to satisfy me it would be necessary for me to undergo them all.. . Like You, my adored Bridegroom, I would like to be whipped, crucified..... I would like to die flayed like Saint Bartholomew; as holy John I would like to be [HA207,SS193:12] plunged in boiling oil; I wish, like Saint Ignatius of Antioch, being crushed by the teeth of animals, in order to become a bread worthy of God. With Saint Agnes and Saint Cecilia, I would like to present my neck to sword of the torturer; and like Joan of Arc, on a burning wood-pile, to murmur the name of Jesus! If my thought goes on the unheard of torments which will be the share of the Christians at the time of the Antichrist, I feel my heart leap, I would like that these torments were reserved for me. Open, my Jesus, Your Book of Life, where the actions of all the Saints are reported; these actions, I would like to have accomplished them for you! To all my madnesses, what will You answer? Is there on earth a soul more little, more powerless than mine? However, as a result of my weakness, You enjoyed fulfilling my little childlike desires; and You want to fill other desires today larger than the universe... With these aspirations becoming a true martyr, one day I opened the Epistles of Saint Paul, in order to find some remedy for my torment. Chapters xii and xiii of the first Epistle to the Corinthians fell under my eyes. I read there that all cannot be at the same time apostles, prophets and doctors, that the Church is made up of various members, and that the eye could not be at the same time the hand (1 Cor. 12:29,21). The answer was clear, but did not fill my wishes and did not give me peace. "then abasing myself until in the very depths of my nothingness, I rose so high that I could reach my end." (Saint John of the Cross, CW56,57) Without becoming discouraged, I [HA208,SS194:7] continued my reading and this counsel relieved me: "Search with ardour for the most perfect gifts; but I still will show you a more excellent way." (1 Cor.12:31) And the Apostle explains how all the most perfect gifts are nothing without Love, that Charity is the most excellent way to surely go to God. (1 Cor. 13:1) Finally I had found rest! Considering the mystical body of the Holy Church, I had recognized myself in none the members described by Saint Paul, or rather, I wanted to recognize myself in all. Charity gave me the key of my vocation. I understood that, if the Church had a body made up of different members, the most necessary, the most noble of all the bodies could not be missing from her; I understood that she had a heart, and that this heart was burning with love; I understood that love alone made her members act, that if love was to die away, the apostles would not announce any more the Gospel, the martyrs would refuse to pour out their blood. I understood that love contained all the vocations, that love was all, that it embraced all times and all the places, because it is eternal! Then, in the excess of my delirious joy, I exclaimed: "O Jesus, my love! my vocation, finally I have found it! my vocation, it is love! Yes, I have found my place within the Church, and this place, O my God, it is You who have given it to me: in the heart of the Church, my Mother, I will be love!. Thus I will be all; thus my dream will be realised! Why speak about delirious joy? No, this expression is not accurate; it is rather peace which became my share, the calm and serene peace of the navigator seeing the headlight [HA209,SS195:3] which indicates the port to him. O luminous headlight of the Love! I know how to arrive at You, I have found the means of appropriating to myself your flames. I am only a powerless and weak child; however, it is my weakness even which gives me the audacity to offer myself as victim to Your Love, O Jesus! Formerly only victims, pure and without blemish, were approved by the strong and powerful God: to satisfy divine justice one needed perfect victims; but the law of fear was succeeded by the law of love, and love has chosen me for holocaust, me, weak and imperfect creature! This choice is it not worthy of love? Yes, so that love is fully satisfied, it is necessary that It abases Itself to nothing and that He transforms this nothing into fire. O my God, I know it, love is repaid only by love (Saint John of the Cross [SC.9.7,CW506]). So I searched, I found the means of relieving my heart while rendering to You love for love. "Employ the riches which make one unjust to make you friends, who receive you in the eternal dwellings." (Luke 16:9). Here is, Lord, the counsel which You give to Your disciples, after having said to them that the children of darkness are more skilful in their affairs than the children of light (Luke 16:8). Child of light, I have understood that my desires to be everything, to embrace all the vocations, were riches which could make me very unjust; so I served myself with them to make myself friends. Remembering the prayer of Elisha to the prophet Elijah, when he asked him for his double spirit (2 Kings 2:9), I presented myself before the Angels and the assembly of the Saints, and I say to them: "I am the littlest [HA210,SS195:28] of creatures, I know my misery, but I know also how much noble and generous hearts like to do good; I thus entreat you, blessed inhabitants of the Heavenly City, to adopt me as a child: to you only will come back the glory that you will make me acquire; deign to hear my prayer, obtain for me, I beg you, your double love! Lord, I cannot search deeper into my request, I would fear to find myself weighed down under the weight of my daring desires! My excuse, is my title of child: children do not think of the import of their words. However, if their father, if their mother go up on the throne and have immense treasures, they do not hesitate to satisfy the desires of the little ones which they cherish more than themselves. To please to them, they make madnesses, they go on until weakness. Very well, I am a child of the Holy Church. The Church is Queen since she is your Bride, O divine King of the kings! Riches and glory, - even the glory of Heaven – they are not what claim my heart. Glory, it belongs of right to my brothers: Angels and Saints. For me, my glory will be that reflected from the face of my Mother. What I ask, is love! I know only one thing, to love you, O Jesus! Bright works are prohibited for me, I cannot preach the Gospel, pour out my blood... what does it matter? My brothers work in my place, and me, a little child, I keep very near to the royal throne, I love, replacing those who fight. But how will I express my love, since the love is proven by works? - Very well! the little child will throw flowers... she will fragrance with His perfumes the divine throne, she will sing in her silvery voice the canticle of love! [ HA211,SS196:27] Yes, my Beloved, thus my transitory life will be consumed in front of You. I have no other means to prove my love to You only to throw flowers: that is to say not to let escape any little sacrifice, no glance, no word, to benefit from the least actions and to do them by love. I want to suffer by love and to even enjoy by love; thus I will throw flowers. I will not find one without thinning out the petals of it for You... and then I will sing, I will always sing, even if it is necessary to gather my roses in the middle of thorns; and my song will be all the more melodious as these thorns are long and prickly. But my Jesus, how will my flowers and my songs serve You? Ah! I know it well, this fragrant shower, these fragile petals of no value, these songs of love of such a little heart, will even charm You. Yes, these nothings will please You: they will make the Church triumphant smile, which, wanting to play with her little child, will collect these unpetalled roses, and, making them pass through Your divine hands to give them infinite value, will throw them on the Church suffering, in order to extinguish the flames therein; and on the Church militant, in order to give her victory. O my Jesus! I love you, I love the Church my Mother, I remember that the smallest act of pure love is more useful to her than all other works joined together (Saint John of the Cross, [SC.29.2,CW587]). But is it pure love in my heart? Aren't my immense desires a dream, a madness? Ah! if it is thus, enlighten me; You know it, I seek the truth. If my desires are bold, make them disappear; because these desires are for me [HA212,SS197:20] the greatest of martyrdoms. However, I acknowledge it, if I do not reach one day these highest areas towards which my soul aspires, I will have tasted more sweetness in my martyrdom, in my madness, which I will not have tasted within the eternal joys; unless, by a miracle, You remove from me the memory of my earthly hopes. Jesus! Jesus! if it is so delicious: the desire of love, what is it then to have it, to enjoy it forever? How can a heart as imperfect as mine aspire to the plenitude of love? What then is this mystery? Why don't You reserve, O my unique Love, these immense aspirations for great souls, the eagles which soar in the heights? Alas! I am a poor little bird only covered with light down; I am not an eagle, I have of it simply the eyes and the heart... Yes, in spite of my being extremely little, I dare to fix (with my eyes) the Divine Sun of Love, and I burn (in my heart) to spring towards Him! I would like to fly, I would like to imitate the eagles; but all that I can do, is to raise my little wings; it is not in my little power to fly. What am I going to become? To die of sorrow from seeing myself so powerless? Oh! No, I will not even distress myself. With an audacious abandonment, I want to remain there, fixing (with my eyes) until death my Divine Sun. Nothing will be able to frighten me: neither wind, nor rain; and, if large clouds have suddenly hidden the star of love, if it seems to me to believe that it is not anything other than the night of this life, then is the moment of perfect joy, the moment to push my confidence to extreme limits, keeping me from changing place, knowing that, across the sad clouds, my sweet Sun is still shining! O my God! up to that point I understand Your Love for me; but, You know it, very often I let myself be [HA213,SS198:28] distracted from my unique occupation, I move away from You, I wet my little scarcely formed wings, with the wretched puddles of water which I find on the ground! Then I groaned like the swallow (Is. 38:14), and my groaning informs You of all, and You remember, O infinite mercy, that you did not come to call the just, but sinners (Matt.9:13). However, if You remain deaf to the plaintive chirps of Your pitiful creature, if You remain clouded, Very well! I consent to remain wet, I accept being stiff with cold, and I rejoice still with this suffering nevertheless deserved. O my cherished Star! yes, I am happy to feel myself little and weak in Your presence and my heart remains in peace... I know that all the eagles of Your Heavenly court take pity on me, that they protect me, defend me and put to flight the vultures, representing the demons, which would like to devour me. Ah! I do not fear them, I am not destined to become their prey, but that of the Divine Eagle. O Word, O my Saviour! it is You the Eagle whom I love and who attracts me; it is You who, descending towards the land of exile, wanted to suffer and die in order to carry off all souls and to plunge them into the centre of the Holy Trinity, eternal hearth of Love! It is You who, ascending towards the inaccessible light, remain hidden in our vale of tears under the appearance of a white host, and that to nourish me of Your own Substance. O Jesus! let me say to You that Your love goes on to madness... How can You expect, with this madness, that my heart does not leap towards You? How can my confidence have limits? Ah! for You, I know it, the Saints also performed [HA214,SS200:4] madnesses, they have done big things, since they were eagles! Me, I am too little to do big things, and my madness, it is to hope that Your Love accepts me as a victim; my madness, is to count on the Angels and the Saints (that I may) fly to you on your own wings (Deut. 32:11) , O my adored Eagle! For a time as a long as You will want it, I will keep my eyes fixed on You, I want to be fascinated by Your divine glance, I want to become the prey of Your love. One day, I have the hope of it, You will pounce on me, and, carrying me to the hearth of love, You will plunge me at last in this burning abyss, make me become forever the happy victim. O Jesus! what cannot I say to all the little souls of Your unutterable condescension! I feel that if, though impossible, You found one weaker than mine, You would enjoy filling it with still larger favours, provided that it were given up with a whole confidence to Your infinite mercy. But why these desires to communicate Your secrets of Love, O my Beloved? Is it not You alone who taught them to me, and cannot You reveal them to others? Yes, I know it, and I entreat You to do it; I beg you to lower Your divine glance on a great number of little souls, I beg you to choose in this world a legion of little victims, worthy of your LOVE! [home] |